Bits and Bobs

A fun page of musical anecdotes

points of view and pure nonsense

WOW!

SEE HORIZONTAL JOE IN ACTION BELOW

Berkie Reaches for the Stars

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Efforts are being made to secure pictures of Diagonal Dan and Perpendicular Pete

THE 'AIG' SYNDROME IS SPREADING

There is even a rumour that the Prime Minister is becoming infected. Could it be that we are about see the first PMQs delivered in 'AIG'

for more on this and other stories see below

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Taking a practical music examination can be a stressful affair for even the most hardened individual. Adult candidates often liken the experience to taking a driving test.  So what chance do poor kids have? And why is it that  these exams strike the fear of death into the hearts of those poor lambs who feel they're being led to the slaughter?

   A clue lies in the word practical. Unlike written examinations the candidate has to perform on the hoof, a one off, do or die effort to reach the magic 66% pass mark. That's another thing. How many exams require the entrant to achieve two thirds success before attaining a pass?  In  written examinations the pass mark is usually considerably lower and one does at least have a little more time to ponder before answering a question. Not so in a practical exam. It's enter the room, wham! bam! perform now for me if you please. 'Ok, thank you very much you can go now.' No surprise then that almost every candidate exits thinking they could have performed much better. Some even reduced to tears.  

Time to dispel a few myths

First and foremost one needs to be aware that the examiner sympathises with you completely. They have been in exactly the same situation themselves in the past and they understand how you feel, how nerves can affect your performance. They are on your side. If they can get you through they will for they want you to pass. In my experience most of them are very decent and nice people.    Examiners mark around the pass mark. If your performance is good you rise above the pass mark. If it isn't you fall slightly below. However, even so, marks lost in one part of an exam can be quickly recovered in another. Of course an exceptional performance will take you further up the ladder leading  from the pass threshold.

Sight reading doesn't have to be perfect to achieve a very reasonable mark. What you have to do is prove that you can read notes and rhythms, be aware of the key and, to a lesser extent, observe dynamics and articulation. Tips on sight reading shall be posted shortly.

   If you've put in the groundwork in preparation for your exam - and you've followed your teacher's directions of course - then the musicality of your performance will shine through despite the odd slip. It's fairly obvious to an examiner whether careful preparation has taken place or otherwise, and if it has, then they won't fail you.

   There's no point saying 'don't worry'.  Better to say 'worry less' whilst considering the points above. A practical exam is not usually an enjoyable event, that is unless you are super polished. Strangely enough the experience seems to terrify older children and adults more than the little people. 

Even so most people, young or old, breath a hefty sigh of relief when it's through, but if you've performed reasonably well then a few days down the line there is always the excitement and anticipation with regard to receiving the news you wish to hear. So go forth and perform with confidence.

THE SPREAD OF AIG Haigellaigo A new phenomena has been spreading across the land. It was revived in an upstairs room in a remote area of north western Bolton around the time of the Ides of March. It quickly spread across the town then across the counties of Lancashire and Greater Manchester into Merseyside, rural Cheshire and beyond. First reliable reports seem to indicate that it is unstoppable. At the last count over 700 people have been infected. It has been noted that one of the main carriers is a music teacher who is rumoured to be heavily contaminated.  All who have come into contact with her have shown worrying symptoms already. The authorities have come up with only one possible solution should you should be unfortunate enough to meet an 'aig' carrier - don't breath for half an hour! Baigye Baigye

The Three Wise Men

featuring Diagonal Dan, Horizontal Joe and Perpendicular Pete

   Boys will be boys so the saying goes and teachers have the pleasure  meeting some real characters during their careers. In my quest to pass on a musical skill I've come across my fair share. Three in particular who spring to mind are Diagonal Dan, Horizontal Joe and Perpendicular Pete.  Their real names remain anonymous of course but they know who they are and, more importantly, why they've been 'nicknamed'.

   Boys can make fantastic musicians (as girls can of course), but as this is mainly about boys just think about all the great composers of the past and present that were boys. Bach, Handel, Mozart, Haydn, Lennon & McCartney, Elton John, Henry Mancini to name a few.

   The thing is...  boys are a real challenge sometimes. Some like to mess about, play jokes, start chatting or try tricks in the hope that the lesson will pass with the least input from them.  It never works by the way.

   The three wise men in question don't quite fall into the above categories. They, for their own reasons, try other methods to lessen the pain of suffering a half-hour lesson.

   Diagonal Dan intends to become the first one-handed pianist in the world. The benefits of this is that less thinking power is required and one only has to physically raise one hand into work mode. The other hand can be used to rest on the stool whilst supporting the body at an angle of 45 degrees. It doesn't do much for the music mind you.

   Horizontal Joe advocates  playing whilst lying down in a prostrate position for I think he wishes to invent a new sound. Lying down in this position is not only relaxing but allows him to meditate about his proposed innovative style of music. 'Um.. What does horizontal music sound like?'  Of  course I don't go along with his theory and soon shake him up into something approaching a vertical posture. However he is determined. If I need to sketch some musical item on manuscript or play him a sample I often turn round and find him missing. He'll be lying on the floor under the table....  meditating of course.

   Perpendicular Pete is a drummer. Whoever heard of a drummer who stands up - even whilst playing the bass drum with his foot? There must be some ulterior motive to his behaviour but I've not managed to work it out yet. Possibly its some form of distraction. It does certainly draw me into conversation and hypnotism which, of course, takes my eye off the ball.

Boys will be boys

I wonder if Beethoven was Diagonal.

EXCUSIVE PICTURE OF HORIZONTAL JOE IN ACTION!

Forthcoming Topics

Why Mnemonics work The real reason behind Fish, Chips and Mushy Peas tunes COMING SOON!

The Hisstory behind 'making misnakes' COMING SHORTLY!

Once more for the Queen!

   How many times have you heard that... and what does it mean?

   Contrary to popular belief, the queen does have a cat. Oh it's true of course that one always associates her with dogs but in reality these canine creatures are very much down the pecking order. 

   'Where is the cat?' you may ask. 'Why don't we see it?'  Well the reason you may not see this particular moggy is probably because you're  not looking in the right places.

   Usually the queen's cat can be seen sitting on the wall of the palace, the one that runs alongside Constitutional Hill.

   Of course you may be thinking 'when on earth will I get the chance to go to London?' and you may well be justified in thinking that but don't despair.

   You must have seen all those news reports on telly featuring the royal correspondent filmed close to the palace. Well next time you see one just look carefully at the wall in the background and you may just see the royal mog  perched there whilst cleaning itself.

   If you are still unfortunate to miss it look out for official portraits of the royal family. The cat's always included.

Whenever that dratted music teacher comes out with the immortal line "once more for the queen." it is, more often than not, accompanied by a groan from the poor victim battling to cope with a tricky musical passage. So why should this be? Well for the uninitiated the phrase signals the beginning of a well worn path which virtually all these poor souls have had to tread. 'Once more for the queen' simply means 'try playing it again please it's not good enough yet.'    So why should having another little attempt at playing a tricky bit cause such consternation. The answer is simple.    Even after playing it a second time it probably won't have been mastered - so more tries are needed.... and probably more and more... until it's conquered. What's more, the poor victims are very much aware of that too.    For each new attempt another royal is added starting with the Queen's cat, then the royal flea on the back of the queen's cat and so on. Oh! it can go on indefinitely. As long as more practice is required more royals are added. Here's a taster: 'Once more for the cockroach belly dancing on the belly button of the earwig, doing a cha cha cha on the left ear of 'so and so', hanging by a hair from the millipede's nose whilst climbing up the right nostril of the centipede, up the left nostril, of the teeth gnashing moth, sat on the tail of the nit, in the eyebrow of the maggot, under the toe nail of the flea on the back of the queen's cat.'     All royal of course.... that is.... except 'so and so'. And for what reason does that music teacher put her students through it?  Quite simply... it works. At the end of the journey the music is well practised. It saves all manner of struggles between one music lesson and the next. Here's to the Queen!

It's all right you looking like a Belisha Beacon